it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
they call him Oral-B. enough said
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
