I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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