You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
