if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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