ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
