I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
