I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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