my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
