WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
