i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
