Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize