Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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