I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
