I want to have your abortion
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
being pregnant is like rehab
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
