You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
