The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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