You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
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