She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize