??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
