don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize