Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
