Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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