I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
