Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
he was CRYING into my vagina
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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