I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
