ya dads aren't the best wingmen
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I am mentally ready for anal.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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