i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
