What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
