You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
