sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
