Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
