The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
You're a waste of cheezeits
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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