I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize