So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
