Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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