Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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