hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
