My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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