at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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