Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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