He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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