I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize