I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
