Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize