Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
