I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
