I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
