Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
sarcasm needs its own font
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
