Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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