Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
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