We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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