I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
