but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
