I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
