that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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