Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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