I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize