Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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