Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize