Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
