If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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