I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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