dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
